A familiar morning
“Brush your teeth, get dressed, and bring your folder down.” Five minutes later your child is dressed, holding a toy, and has no idea what the third thing was. Sound familiar? Nothing about that is defiance.
Directions that stick
- Eyes first Wait for them to look at you before you start.
- One at a time Give the next step when the last one is done.
- Say it back “What’s the first thing?” They repeat it.
- Leave a trace A list, a picture, a note where they’ll see it.
Where the third step goes
Holding a set of instructions in mind while doing the first one is hard work for any brain, and much harder for some children. In one study, children's working memory predicted how well they carried out a string of instructions in a pretend classroom.1 The more steps, the more they lost along the way.
So the fix isn't to say it again, louder. It's to put fewer steps in their head at once, and to put the rest somewhere they can see. (Getting close and keeping it calm helps too: fewer words, more help.)
Turning a daily routine into a checklist
- Pick the routine that causes the most repeating. Usually mornings, bedtime, or packing up for school.
- Make the list with your child. Four to six steps, in order. Children who can't read yet can draw them or pose for photos.
- Put it where the routine happens. Bathroom mirror, back of the front door, inside the backpack.
- Point, don't repeat. “What's next on your list?” sends them to the list instead of to you. Over time, they stop needing you to point. If the list is there and they still can't get started, read why “won't” is usually “can't”.